BURIED WRECKAGE MY SOUL.

is being completely shaken


in an excellent way.


everything I believe... everything I do... everything I think... everything I am

derives from my FAITH. from this RELATIONSHIP.


EDIT:
today...
I was having a dance party for Jesus with some friends in the Prayer Chapel at Taylor. if you have never been there... you probably should. Its beautiful. Most of my IWU friends agree. Anyway... most of my friends left and I spent a bit of time at the feet of Jesus. I explained a lot of my confusion to him, of where I am at... of not knowing what I am doing with my life... of finally determining what I want of my life... without ANYONE OR ANYTHING contraining it. and I told him that I have no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing. We chatted about some intimate things... about my confusion about what the purpose of obedience is: to earn grace or to live in freedom after recieving grace... and which one of those I ACTUALLY live out.

I wondered how to get up from that place. There I was, just letting him know that I am confused... without recieving some DEEP CONFIDENT AUDIBLE voice of the Lord answering these questions for me. and yet I feel as if he did give me some understanding. Understanding that I cannot understand.

It was so clear: Jess, you think you would actually understand? you think if I explained to you MY ways... and what YOU will experience in your life...you would understand? Are you joking? I am I AM. So I read Galatians 5... and realized that I have the freedom to live in Christ. I have the freedom to be under his grace. I have the freedom to experience the Lord's presence. I don't have to worry about a legalistic repentance after each sin I commit PRIOR to coming into his presence. But because of this grace, because of his presence and being in it... I WANT to repent. I WANT change.

Soren Kirkirgard wrote this book called, "Fear and Trembling". I'll mention a lot of thoughts derived from it. He mentions the idea of Abrahams Faith. We mention it so casually. That Abraham was the Father of Faith. I have never thought about why. The man was willing to live each step out of FAITH... not LOGICAL THOUGHT. JUST FAITH. I am referring to his 3 day journey WITH Issac to Mosiah in order to sacrifice Issac- the son he loved. He tied him to the wood... he pulled out his knife... FAITH. I don't get it. I don't understand. But I know that his faith drove every action over his emotion, over his thoughts, over his logic. His faith determined each step. I want that. I want my life to mirror that.

So as I sat at the foot of Jesus, I gave up any and every worry I have: how could I stand up and walk away from the cross in Faith if I was worried? If I am dependent upon my faith... subsequently I find myself...

TRUSTING.

So I stood in faith, and walked in freedom thanks to the GRACE of God. and I walked to the DC and had some mashed potatoes and green beans for dinner with my friend: Dana. She's from Indonesia and also... cool.

mark the birth of a change
Free from the torment of sin
all this I'm giving up

Its not me
buried wreckage my soul
Its not me
So who am I now?