Thursday, May 1, 2008

Quotes that depict (1) my insecurities (2) my emotional status of the day, which is fairly high which is unusual.

I'll sit and wonder, of every love that could have been... if I'd only thought of something charming to say -The Sound of Settling

This is the moment, that you know
that you told her that you loved her but you don't.
you touch her skin, and then you think,
she is beautiful, but she don't mean a thing to me.
-Tiny Vessels

Sunday, January 27, 2008

The Unknown

The things of today will at some point be memories of yesterday. We will think back to these places, these people, and the events here, and we will remember very little about each moment, just some basic facts concerning our routines. But I want to remember the mundane. Im not sure I believe that anything is mundane anymore, mainly because those are perhaps elaborate portrayals of exceptional beauty that we have taken for granted. For example, I want to remember at what point on my walk back to English from the DC at noon, the sun comes above English Hall and warms my face. About how it felt to be accepted and valued by a group of people I'd just met: every moment of fear of a lack of acceptance and appreciation, and then the depth of my joy to see them look at me with some sort of value. Even to think about how familiar the keys of a laptop keyboard feel to my fingers, or the chord progressions on a acoustic yamaha guitar. I hope to remember as much of these moments as possible. Of the times I equally look at other people as they communicate (verbally or non-verbally) and I think about how much value my soul has for him or her, of how much I sincerely enjoy his or her company and like them.
I don't ever want to be someone who shares her thoughts with the expectation of affirmation from others. I hope to be around people constantly challenging my thoughts, and making me develop them further. But I also want to respect people who don't just as equally, and appreciate them for exactly who they are. I think there are so many prejudices in my own mind that I have not learned to own quite yet. That makes me sad. I don't ever want to look down on others.
I always want to appreciate the sun and its warmth, the company of friendly acquaintances, the uniqueness of someone taking part in a conversation with me for the first time (choosing to share a part of himself or herself at least briefly), the vibrancy of colors, the family that provides as much as they can, the mountains, the cities, the forests, the fields (or corn), the stars, the clouds that cover them, and

the God who has clearly already revealed himself through all of these things.

Saturday, January 5, 2008

...Your Kingdom Come...

i painted my toe nails for the first time in my entire life today.

just thought I'd let you know.

i have a uncanny amount of thoughts right now that are overwhelming. Hence, why I have clearly been unable to sleep. Here it is at 3:15 AM and I'm absolutely incapable of rendering my mind done for the day when referring to Biblical understanding of our country, and how to view the world and the people of the world through the Lord's eyes. I am working on drawing that beautiful picture.

The Lord is a good God. I have lived a large majority of my life as a nominal Christian. Romans 7 and its inclusion of defeat and battle have paved the roads in my past. But now I choose to walk in a manner worthy of the calling of the Lord. As I walk in the Spirit, I will NOT gratify the desires of the flesh. This is a life of victory as I realize that the Lord has already COVERED MY SIN. He has already paid it all. He values me, because I am HIS creation. But he doesn't just value me for being me. He values me for being the woman he has created: He values my opinions, my growth, my convictions, my passion, and my gifts. He values those because he's either shaping them or he has shaped them and they are his. As imperfect as I am, I am capable through the propitiation of my sin, to approach the throne of grace with confidence, that I might receive mercy and find grace to help me in time of need. But all of this, every thought I have, every theory I put my trust in regarding politics of foreign policy, these things all derive from the gospel that I hold dear. I cannot life a life of faith in my God that is not also equally a life of believing first in the GOOD NEWS that includes quite a bit of faith. I would not live a life of faith without first asking a lot of questions about the Word of God and seeking discernment and truth in it.

Every conviction I have, I would like to come from the inerrant Word of God. I KNOW that is truth and I only want to put my hope in truth. All of this would not matter if it did not derive from the truth of the GOSPEL. God is so good, and I love him, and I love the Lord Jesus Christ, and I love him for his sacrifice, and example, and pray that the Lords Kingdom would COME. that he would be breaking down barriers to him, and opening eyes and softening hearts, and healing the broken and doing a lot of these things by using US as instruments now IN his Kingdom, in order to expand it.

does anybody read this?

Thursday, January 3, 2008


I don't really have anything to say. I just didn't want my song listed as the latest post forever.

I like being back at Taylor. I think I'm making new friends (FRIENDS: the people that are still around when its not just convenient to do so). I cannot believe people care enough about me to do things like that, and I hope that friends see that through my actions because I lack the capacity to verbalize that sometimes.

I went out to coffee tonight. I honestly think I spoke the entire time. Poor soul... its crazy though: I don't think i've met anyone this year who seemed to sincerely care so much about me without really knowing me prior to that before. I feel like thats what John means when he says in 1 John that we are to, 'walk as he walked'. That was so encouraging and so humbling, to feel sincerely cared for simply because. Very cool, and very much like Jesus.

I'm so sick of my own voice... too bad its still in my head! So i'm going to bed.

silly jess, she needs to go sweepy sweep.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

My songs are not necessarily always coming from MY perspective, and I try and add a little ironic humor or some sort of unique literary touch to make it kinda... funny. Well, anyway, this is the latest one!

Christmas Day, 2007

Verse One
Have you heard the expression,
'when it rains it pours'
well lets just say,
lets just say there has been some
flood damage here

and I haven't had the time
I haven't had the time
to start picking up
the mess I have made

so now, I like to I refer to myself,
as a Picasso like masterpiece.
I hope you don't mind...
the mess

let yesterday be yesterday
and today be today
tomorrow will be what you make of it
I care to be in yours if you don't mind...
...but hello today

Verse Two
I'm slow and steady
calculated and careful
I've trusted everyone
and learned to trust no one

why are so many
so quick to be judging?
as if put in Medea's position they would know from white...
...or the noble response...
to a love now lost
or a sacrifice now forgotten at its cost

But let yesterday be yesterday
and today be today
tomorrow will be what you make of it
I'd like to be in yours a bit
lets not get carried away

But Let yesterday be yesterday
and today be today
tomorrow will be what we make of it
Do you have plans for it?
(I'd be apart of them)
come what may.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

When it's dark enough, you can see the stars. -Persian Proverb

...The young lions suffer want and hunger; but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing. Psalm 34:10

Today I was challenged by those words and also these, "Seek peace, and pursue it. Seek a right relationship with one another". I have done a great job this semester writing off relationships that have hurt me, or excluded me or made me jealous in the past. I didn't intend to do those things, my intentions were just to step back from those relationships and receive some clarity. Unfortunately intentions are only just that: intentions. So as I moved back to have a more objective look at those relationships, I liked getting away and having the capability to not feel pain or jealousy or sadness or rage. Now I was challenged, not just to seek peace, but to PURSUE peace. When I thought about what that meant, I was challenged to, "seek a right relationship with one another". Wow. Not just to run from unhealthy relationships, not just to 'cut that off so it won't hurt me anymore', but to SEEK a RIGHT relationship.
Sometimes I hurt people so much, I don't want others to forgive me. That is when I think I need forgiveness the most. I cannot believe how my words have injured others: my very own brothers and sisters in Christ. I think about how my actions have severely DAMAGED friends and family and cannot believe that the promise of Psalm 34:10 (written above) could still relate to me!? Its so humbling to see the beginnings of reconciliation. I know I'm a long way from it, and there probably is no trust in me right now... but I hope that there will be trusting relationships and sincere reconciliation and a mutual building up in the relationships I have damaged. My heart longs for these things. And my heart is so thankful for these relationships.
Today, I was thinking about my friends who have lost loved ones this week, and I have thought about the woman I served tonight, going through kimo... and the man who works at a funeral home, and how he mentioned casually, 'my work is never done'... and I wonder if it hurts him inside to say things like that sometimes. I walked back into the kitchen at Cracker Barrel and thought to myself, "life is too short to not accept the forgiveness of others for my errors, and to hold grudges".
Relationships will change, and I think that is in there nature. But I'm not sure this life is long enough for any relationships to END. I just hope that other people don't give up on me either! I'm so far from who I want to be... and I'm going to keep working toward who she is... by getting my focus off of myself, and onto the Lord, and his love for others. By seeking peace, and pursuing it.

When it's dark enough, you can see the stars.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Snowbirds and Townies

Well, I have a few thoughts.

I have had 2 dear friends, and my aunt all mention that they have really been struggling with what it means to know that God LOVES you. Maybe I don't really understand that too... but I think if we did maybe we would act more confidently in that love, and think more confidently about ourselves. Maybe we wouldn't struggle with trusting him as much, because we would KNOW that he loves us. I don't really know a lot about those things yet... I haven't completely delved into some of those issues.

Also, this would end the 2nd time this year that Jess Samples has asked a guy on a pick-a-date by singing to him... only last time was just my friend (Laura) and me. This time, it was about 12 girls (3 rows) with dance moves and new lyrics to the song "Stronger" by kanye west. Thats right... we went around to all the guy dorms, and asked them one by one... singing to EACH INDIVIDUAL guy. The girls seemed like they had so much fun: which makes it all worth it: that was the point. I would never do these things just for the boys (regardless of how cool they may or may not be). In the end of the day... the girls I live with are great... and we gently encourage one another outside of our comfort zones. That made tonight so much fun.

Prayer: some forgotten and powerful parts of the bible to read while studying prayer:
1. 1 Chronicles 6:18-21 and 1 Chronicles 7:11-22
2. 1 John 5:14-15
3. 1 John 3:19-24

not a lot... but these are not mentioned a lot and I tend to think of them as treasures.

I'm learning so much right now... so much about who I really am... and who I want to be... and the vast gap between the two...

It seemed like the bottom was all that I had until now
I'll give you my life, if you give me yours somehow.